You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
