did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize