My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This baby is an asshole
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
