I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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