Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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