when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
