I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
