he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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