I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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