I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
