Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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