I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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