We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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