dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize