you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
