Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
