Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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