He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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