I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
