so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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