Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
