I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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