how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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