things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
