I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
