I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
