I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
