Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
