I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
