I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
