so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
