Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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