She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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