the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
