so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
