nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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