Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
