Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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