I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
