so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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