his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
