i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
