So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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