the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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