I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
