That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
