If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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