if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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