she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
