Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
