I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
third nipple confirmed
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
