i always forget guys have bellybuttons
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
