I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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