I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
