I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
