i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
