I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
